Following Barack Obama’s surprise victory at the Iowa caucuses, how will Hillary Clinton recover to confirm her place as Democratic frontrunner? Exlcusive to Liberal Conspiracy, we can reveal extracts drawn from advance copies of speeches the junior senator from New York intends to make over the next few months as the primaries roll on…

I give no credence whatsoever to rumours that Senator Barack Hussein Obama believes himself to be the twelfth imam. And I have no time at all for those who put about the scurrilous rumour that Senator Hussein secretly intends to appoint Mahmoud Ahmedinejad as Vice President. But, sadly, these rumours are now in the public domain. Isn’t it time my esteemed colleague Senator Saddam cleared them up once and for all?

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My esteemed colleague Senator BinLaden Obama has made forthright and eloquent denials of the rumours that he believes himself to be the twelfth imam and that he intends secretly to appoint Mahmoud Ahmedinejad as his running mate. Yet it cannot be denied that rumours that Senator Hussein Bin Laden Saddam Mullah Omar believes himself to be the twelfth imam and intends to appoint Mahmoud Ahmedinejad as co-emir of Americastan remain within the public domain.

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Some say that the Holy Qu’ran urges believers to tell the truth at all times. Others say that it permits dissembling in the furtherance of religious objectives. Wherever the truth lies, we cannot fail to be impressed by the forthright and eloquent way in which Senator Allah has denied rumours that he believes himself to be the twelfth imam and intends to appoint Mahmoud Ahmedinejad as co-emir of Americastan with particular responsibility for the imposition of Sharia law. Yet, regrettably, these rumours persist.

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There comes a time when we must ask ourselves: can we trust the future of our party and our great nation to a man dogged by damaging rumours – rumours of the twelfth imam coming to deliver vengeance to unbelievers with fire and sword – rumours that simply refuse to go away?

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